The simile was strained but the lyrics written by Björn Ulvaeus were otherwise good. Most of what Ulvaeus wrote over the years was excellent. He and Benny Andersson went on to work with Tim Rice on the West End musical Chess. They've since had their runaway success Mamma Mia! turned into a movie with Meryl Streep. No one's ever doubted the abilities of Sweden's ABBA to craft clever, intelligent, and often emotionally deep lyrics even though none of them have English as a mother tongue.
The ESC rules changed after 1974. No more singing in English. Singing in English automatically favoured some countries over others.
The rules changed again recently and now contestants can sing in any language they choose.
ABBA used the ESC as a springboard for their career. They never took the contest seriously. But they knew it would give them a lot of publicity. They were never from the same mould as the traditional contestants.
1974 was Sweden's first victory in the ESC. They've won three further times since then. And each of those victories has been eminently forgettable if not embarrassing. ESC music is the lowest of the low. Things don't get much worse than the ESC.
Sweden's been bombing out of the ESC for several years now. This is the country that gave the world ABBA, Roxette, Max Martin, the Cardigans, The Hives, and more. A Swedish journalist described Sweden's dilemma as a country bumpkin coming to a world event where the rules have changed. The whole selection process is flawed and Swedes prove time and again they don't really have a clue.
ABBA lost their first time around too. They lost to a weird duo who sang a song with a gimmick line about a woman's breasts. The astute Swedish juries - ordinary but overly paid apparatchiks with the state television company - chose this stupid song over the competition. No one cares about that song. Everyone remembers ABBA.
There are some good lyricists in Sweden. Max Martin cowrote 'It's My Life' for Bon Jovi. Nina Persson's lyrics for the Cardigans have been cute if not always excellent. There are no great English lyrics coming from Swedes but some of them are OK.
But in the ESC? Most of the contestants can hardly pronounce it, much less understand it, and their lyricists are downright dumb. The lyrics to Elena Paparizou's 2005 winning song were written by Christos Dadis and Natalia Germanou.
You're delicious, so capriciousThings don't get more embarrassing than that. But Paparizou won. That's important to keep in mind. But she won not by having the best number but by her record company and the Greek government investing one million euros in promoting her song in the months leading up to the ESC final. Paparizou was shuttled all over the place. Several publicity events of whatever type they could arrange for weeks and weeks on end. The voting occurred way before the actual televised final.
If I find out you don't want me I'll be vicious
Last year's lyrics were even worse. The lyrics to the winning song are so cringeworthy they won't be printed here. Look them up yourself if you dare - but think twice about it.
Sweden's current predicament with the ESC is twofold. They don't understand what works and what doesn't and what's needed to win these days. But they've consequently performed so poorly of late that they don't even qualify for the final unless they can really impress everyone in the qualification rounds the week before the show. One needs something extra special to make that jump back into the top 24. And a further clue: ballads never give the necessary boost. As one Swedish journalist put it last night: 'this succession of boring banal ballads is threatening to put the studio and television audiences in a permanent coma'.
But what do Swedes like?
Swedes had a potential winner in a girl group called 'Timoteij'. 'Timoteij' is an herb called 'timothy' in English. It's also the name of a popular shampoo in Sweden. Its distinctive bottle was used as a prop in the movie Gorky Park. It's a cute name. Perhaps not particularly international but still the same.
The girls are all young students in a special music/entertainment school in Sweden. In a screamingly boring place called Skara. They're 18 years old and have been performing together for the past two years. They're already signed to Universal and their first full length CD is already completed and will be released in April. They too like ABBA are using the ESC as a springboard. They too lost to someone really really bad first time out.
The winning song this year is - ironically - 'This is My Life'. It's reminiscent not only of the Bon Jovi hit but also of the cringeworthy 2009 entry written by no better than Dame Andy Webber and Diane Warren with the unfortunately unforgettable:
It's my life, it's my life, my momentWatching the eminently talented but eminently misunderstood Jade Ewen wince her way through those two lines every time was a torture no Brit wants to remember. But maybe they've now found something that overshadows their own gaffe last year.
I'm not going to let go of it
These are the lyrics to the Swedish entry in the ESC 2010, written by who must be the most self-delusional waste of space lyricist ever: Kristian Lagerström. Read them and weep.
I go down the beaten track, along the river with an empty bag
At the end she said to me: why are you here with the autumn leaves?
Cause this is my life, my friend, and this is my time to stand
Cause this is my life, my friend, and I can't be no one else
I'm done tipping on my toes, strike an iron and attack my soul
Misty moon, you're gonna see, I've got your blues to get on my feet
Cause this is my life, my friend, and this is my time to stand
Cause this is my life, my friend, and I can't be no one else
I don't wanna run, I don't wanna fight
I don't wanna hide, I just wanna stay free, to be me
I don't wanna win, I don't wanna lose
I don't wanna play, I just wanna remember, oh my name
Cause this is my life, my friend, and this is my time to stand
Oh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
(Cause this is my life, my friend, and this is my time to stand)
Cause this is my life, my friend, and I can't be no one else
Cause this is my life, my friend, and I can't be no one else
Cause this is my life, my friend
